- Fix yellow, crooked, softening teeth (Invisalign, ACT mouthwash, Colgate Optic White)
- Cover gray hair (Nice & Easy, Clairol Age Defy)
- Find appropriate food for pet with food sensitivities (Fresh Pet, Blue Basics)
- Find a date (Christian Mingle)
- Lubricate (Osphema; see above)
- Cheer on patricide (Lizzie Borden movie with Christina Ricci)
- Find insurance, preferably from talking and/or oversized baby (State Farm, Nationwide)
- Make homemade bread but not really (Fleischmann's Simply Homemade Bread Mix)
- Take on vaginal fungus and win (Monistat)
- Root for the underdog ("Gimme Shelter" with Vanessa Hudgens as "a revelation"; see also Gabby Douglas Lifetime movie)
- Go to the Bahamas (Atlantis resort)
- Get a damn coat (Burlington)
- Eat fried chicken and/or creatively packaged tuna (KFC, Sunkist Tuna Creations)
- Be appropriately compensated for injury sustained in truck accident (Cellino & Barnes, 800-888-888, Call8.com)
- Call Cellino & Barnes on new phone (T-Mobile)
- Get rid of this damn migraine/remind self of anti-aging possibilities (Botox)
- "Do" taxes (H&R Block)
- Become pain-free (Xeljanz, Cortizone, Move Free, ThermaCare, Advil, Rolaids, Robitussin, both of the ’Quils, Selsun Blue, Chapstick, Airborne, Gold Bond)
- Menstruate (Always Infinity Flex Foam)
- Purchase sturdier shoes (Skechers Slip-Resistant Shoes)
- Consume anything at Dunkin’ Donuts except donuts (DD iced tea, coffee, breakfast sandwich)
- No, wait, have breakfast sandwich at home (Jimmy Dean)
- Switch to bank that cares about my ideas (Santander)
- Watch more Lifetime Television, preferably using Time Warner (too many to list)
- Learn; drink more water (Capella University, Pur water filtration)
- Take out the trash (Hefty Ultimate)
- Buy batteries for vibrator (Energizer; implied)
- Meryl! ("August: Osage County")